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Grief is the internal process that is adjusting to the loss or death of someone we care for. The experience is usually chaotic and disorienting, but everyone grieves in their own way. Manifestations can range from numbness to anger to depression. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

People often talk about Kubler Ross’s 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - but I prefer to talk about the Dual Process Model of grief by Stroebe and Schut. Rather than looking at grief as linear or happening in stages, it sees grief as an oscillation between loss orientation and restoration orientation. At times, we can be loss oriented and feel the pain (including all the feelings described by the 5 stages theory) which we allow, and at other times we are restoration oriented, where we intentionally give ourselves a break and focus our minds on something else, for example, by doing things that soothe us, and give us thee psychological energy to go back and do the loss work. It’s the movement between these two that allows us to grow through grief.

Grief is a naturally adaptive process. The intensity of the pain of grief changes over time but we are also changed by our grief. It’s a process through which we can grow and heal. Rather than “get over it,” we can accommodate it and learn to live with it, build our life around it, and it will alway influence us. We can be hit by grief decades after the person has died, triggered by our senses, like sights, touch, and smells, because they trigger our memory networks, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t processed our grief.

Grief is embodied. Every thought you have has a physiological component, every feeling in your body gives you a thought. The two are interconnected: mind-body. Everything you do with your body and mind affect your whole system, including what you listen to, what you watch, who you’re with, how much you sleep… all have a mind-body impact. If you’re grieving, you would want to have a stable body and regularity in your life, and the best way to do that is to be mindful of where you put your attention, time and focus.

We all have a default mode of coping when in crisis when painful things happen to us. One of those ways may be switching off, shutting down and blocking our feelings. This could be why you’re not crying. It could also be shock, so let you body do what it needs to do, support yourself. There are many ways of expressing grief; tears is by no means the only one. You can help yourself by perhaps walking or listening to music, and allowing feelings to emerge. You may cry, or you may not, but don’t give yourself a hard time. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.